It happened in an instant – a swat of the broom against the ceiling, and the Daddy Long Legs and its delicate designs in silk were swept from my kitchen corner.
No spider was going to ruin my Saturday while I was having my coffee. Besides, today was football day, and I was running late.
The crowd was boisterous and lively when I arrived at the pub before the match.
That was when she arrived as well, a real Irish rose as they say: fiery red hair, mischievous green eyes, freckles, and full red lips.
“So, are you going to buy me a drink or what?” She asked.
“Absolutely! I suspect a fine lady such as yourself prefers one of those Cosmotini things?”
“Actually, I’d prefer a pint of bitter.”
“Scotty, two pints of bitter for me and the lady,” I said.
“So, do you come here often?” I immediately regretted relying on this ancient pickup line.
She spun her bar stool towards me then crossed her legs. Supple and smooth, and impossibly long. They themselves seemed to be longer than six feet, which of course was impossible as the lady herself could not have been taller than five foot five inches tall.
“Don’t worry. I know about men and their sports. When the match is over, and if you would be interested in some one-on-one sports, stop by,” she kissed my ear after speaking before placing a business card on the bar.
It read SCARLETT WEBB with a street address.
* * * * *
The match eventually ended, with our lads losing two goals to one. It was time to leave.
Scarlett’s address was One Willow Lane. I had heard of the street before, and never in good terms.
When I finally reached the warped front door of the old house and knocked, the door swung inward, creaking on old hinges.
“Up here, love.”
The house was musty and dark, the only light coming from a single candle. I made my way upstairs.
The loft shared the same musty smell as the rest of the old house. There was a four-poster bed in the middle of the loft. Crimson red long scarves hung down each bed post.
Scarlett was in the bed wearing a black negligee.
“Please come to bed, love,” she insisted.
I slid into bed next to her and moved in for a kiss.
“Just one thing, love. Did you hesitate – even for an instant – before killing that innocent spider this morning?”
Suddenly the scarves on the bed posts sprang to life, coiling around my wrists and ankles and lifting my body until it hung suspended.
“Bloody hell!”
Scarlett was oblivious to my complaints. Her slender jaw elongated and split into two mandibles. Six blistering red eyes rose out of her forehead. Six legs sprouted out of her spine, making a horrible cracking sound as they grew from her back.
I felt the saliva-slicked, razor-sharp mandibles encircling my throat.
Fortunately, it only lasted for an instant.
INSTANT NOODLES 