“WHAT IS THIS MUSH?!!! HAVE YOU NOT HEARD OF AL DENTE?!!!”
I haven’t yet gotten to know Chef, given this is my first shift, but from their tone and volume, I suspect Chef is not happy.
“WELL?!!! AL DENTE?!!!”
“Um, sorry, Chef. I don’t know Al Dente. Does he work here?”
“OUT!!! GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN!!! NOW!!!”
I may have been unwise submitting a resume which detailed my proficiency at cooking, when, in fact, my expertise extends to inputting the correct number of seconds at which the microwave timer should be set. In my high school cooking class, I was voted ‘Most Likely to Burn Water’.
I was told that Chef is gender fluid. I suspect they currently identify as an active volcano. I believe I may best be served to leave quietly, and I will make the assumption there is no severance package available. From the look on Chef’s face and the way they are holding that cleaver, I suspect that if I ask, there is the possibility Chef may severance my head from my body.
I take off my silly kitchen hat and try to remove my apron, however, I have somehow managed to knot the ties in such a way that Houdini himself couldn’t undo them. I manage to wiggle the apron past my hips to my feet, but in my haste to step out of it, I trip. Feeling myself fall, I thrust a hand out to break my impending collision with a hard surface, successfully hitting the handle of a frying pan and catapulting a sizzling Dry-Aged Wagyu ribeye straight into Chef’s face.
A mere nine-point-two-five seconds later and a city block away from the kitchen, I believe I may have just broken Usain Bolt’s 100-meter sprint world record, though, even if there had been official timing in place, it would not be ratified as a record due to being wind-assisted from the shockwave of the exploding volcano – A.K.A. Chef.
With the need to find new employment, I check on my phone for any new job listings. I see one for a television reporter. ‘Experience necessary in journalism, television, or associated fields.’ This is fortuitous. I have considerable experience in television and associated fields. Specifically, I watch a lot of television – particularly sports which are played on fields.
I shall submit my application, just as soon as I appropriately reword my resume and choose a stylish stage-name to apply under. I do quite like the sound of ‘Al Dente’…
INSTANT NOODLES 