“I think your car is leaking.”
I looked up from my desk. It was the annoying guy from marketing. All guys from marketing are annoying. “You’re ruining the parking lot.”
It’s not your parking lot.
I didn’t remember to check until the morning. Yep, there was a nice puddle of oil under the car. Ah! Thank gawd I parked in the street. Litterbug!
I know there’s a Walmart on the way to work. I’ll grab some oil. Take care of it. Yeah … Walmart. Not Pep Boys. Not AutoZone. You can tell I’m not a morning person.
I’m not a car person.
But I wander the aisles, find the oil, grab a tshirt so I don’t get oil all over my work guayabera, and even wrangle up a funnel. To make sure I don’t make a mess.
Pero claro que sí, yep, I spill oil all over the engine block anyway. Not too much of mess. With you know with the full audience shaking their heads, the drunks, the shoeless lady changing her sari in the parking lot, and the hooker buying like $500 worth of groceries. All of them watching me. Laughing.
Pinche Walmart of the Damned. Pinche 7am.
I’m golden. I’m full of oil and out on the street. And about five miles later, I see me some smoke. But hey, I’m almost to work. Pull it in, pull it out, change the shirt, hit the desk. Marketing guy laughs.
At lunch, I go out and fire my baby up, just to check. A few minutes, and the smoke is really pouring out. Ah! I shut it down, pop the hood. There’s oil all over the engine. There is not a cap the tank. Just a big gaping hole of slosh. And oddly, there is now an oil fire on top of his engine. Pretty orange flames. Toasty.
Fortunately, I no longer have childhood asthma. I blow out the fire. And walk my ass to AutoZone. For the very last cap that fits my car. Cause you know, if they would have had more than one, I would have bought more than one. Buy out the store!
And yes, it did fit, I did buy the right size. I also put a sticky note on my dashboard. Oil Cap. Dig it! Cause there’s no money to fix the leak. We’re just gonna keep pouring oil in the hole.
The Moral of this Story? Never let The Luddite open the hood of his car. Never.
INSTANT NOODLES 